How Can We Help Kids Manage Big Emotions?

For tiny people, kids can have BIG emotions. Throwing toys at the wall, flinging themselves onto the ground and wailing,  or stomping off in a sulk—sound familiar? Strong reactions to big feelings aren’t unusual in children, but they are not particularly productive as kids grow into young adults. Managing one’s emotions is foundational to a healthy, happy life. And how we react to our kids’ emotions has a big impact on the development of their emotional intelligence (how we perceive, express, and regulate emotion). 

Imagine a world where every tantrum is an opportunity for growth and resilience.

When we validate and teach children how to identify emotions, we give them a framework that helps them explain how they are feeling and deal with those feelings appropriately. Learning how to recognize and handle big feelings through self-regulation is a big part of children's development.

‍What is Self-Regulation? ‍

Simply put, self-regulation is the process a child’s brain goes through to control emotions and behaviours in response to different situations¹. It’s the ability to calm themselves down when upset, adapt to changes in their environment or routine, and handle frustration without having a meltdown. Self-regulation is a foundational skill of childhood that equips children to grow into adults who can manage their emotions and behaviours. 

By providing children with strategies to stay calm in stressful situations, we’re instilling in them strong habits for the future. Just remember, each child develops at their own pace, so parents need to take an understanding, reflective, and patient approach to build self-regulation skills.

‍What Does Self-Regulation Look Like in Practice? ‍

Self-regulation skills take many forms, but can look like²: 

• Emotional awareness and literacy, including the ability to identify emotions
• Emotional regulation, like self-soothing
• Taking another’s perspective (the ability to walk in another’s shoes) 
• Social skills, including patience and taking turns
• Staying focused and paying attention
• Problem-solving
• Flexibility and adaptability
• Managing time appropriately
• Setting goals

For parents, staying calm and composed while supporting their kids in building these skills plays a big role. This is known as “co-regulation,” and it is an important part of helping kids build their self-regulation toolkit. 

‍What is Co-Regulation?‍

"Co-regulation is a supportive, interactive, and dynamic process," says Lauren Marchette, a child, adolescent, and family psychologist and a lecturer in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.

It’s essentially about connecting with a child who is wrestling with big emotions and being able to assess what that child needs to help calm themselves. For parents, this can often mean we, too, have to recognize how we are feeling in the midst of a difficult situation and be able to regulate our own emotions so that we can help our kids build healthy emotional skills. 

It can be difficult to stay calm while navigating our child’s emotional storm, but by consistently practicing co-regulation, we can help build their ability to handle stress, avoid hasty decisions, solve problems, adapt to challenges, and more. 

‍Some Kids Might Struggle with Self-Regulation‍

Self-regulation doesn’t always come easy for kids. Some are born having a more difficult time with it, and some kids don’t develop the skills if parents are always right there, ready to jump in and solve problems for them (see our blog on helicopter parenting to learn more!). Children with anxiety or ADHD may also struggle with self-regulation. This is why it’s a skill that needs to be taught and practiced³. 

If a child struggles with self-regulation, it can show up in different ways. Some kids might go from zero to one hundred—a big reaction with no lead-in—and other kids might keep their feelings bottled up until they can’t take it any longer and have an outburst.

The key for all kids is to learn how to manage their big emotions and find healthy ways to express themselves. 

‍So, how do we teach self-regulation skills? 

As parents, we need to help our kids slow down and choose a way to respond. Shifting our mindset to remember that this is a skill to be taught and practiced, not “bad behaviour,” is also an important part of the journey. 

The key to helping kids develop self-regulation skills is not avoiding difficult situations or big feelings but coaching and encouraging children to handle them on their own. The American Psychological Association suggests the following evidence-based strategies for parents to use in teaching kids self-regulation⁴:

1. Start early: All kids benefit from learning about their feelings from a young age. Start talking about your feelings to your baby. Point out in books or moves when characters feel different emotions. 
2. Stay calm and remember co-regulation: Staying calm, consistent, and comforting helps in the moments kids need to manage big emotions. We know it’s hard sometimes, but try not to lose your cool.
3. Talk about feelings: In moments of calm (not when they are upset), teach your children to recognize and name their feelings. 
4. Be a role model: Model positive behaviour. Kids learn by modeling what their parents are doing more than what they are saying. 
5. Discuss options: Again, when things are calm, talk with your child about how they can handle tricky situations and the different choices they could make. Could they take turns with a toy or find something else to play with instead of fighting with their sister? 
6. Practice makes progress: Now that you’ve talked about options, it’s time to put this into practice. Role play can be a good way for kids to practice the skills you have discussed. 
7. Stay positive: Focus on praise rather than punishments.  “Instead of punishing a child for an unwanted behavior, praise the behavior you’d like to see in its place,” says Alan Kazdin, PhD, a psychologist at Yale University and director of the Yale Parenting Center.
8. Teamwork makes the dream work: Make sure the adults around your child—grandparents, teachers, and others—are coordinated in managing any self-regulation challenges. 
9. Don’t expect perfection: When kids are truly stressed, sad, or scared, they may have difficulty retrieving their self-regulation skills and need more adult support.
10. Be patient: Emotional regulation takes time. Yes, it’s something to focus on when your child is young and in preschool, but their emotional development continues into young adulthood. 

Equipping little kids to handle big emotions takes time. But if you approach their emotional development with calm and patience, your child will learn the skills to manage and respond to challenging situations and feelings. 

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